tbi: jealousy
I've thought about writing this on my blog, I don't think I've written something like this on it before. I've had this in my head for maybe even a year now, it isn't a daily thought I have but it's there one way or another. I thought if I write it then these thoughts might lessen. I don't know what to name this post, just beware that this might be a bit heavier than other posts I've made.
I understand that my injury, at a young age, is uncommon to hear about in general and that I don't fit expectations people have for my age because of my injury. I'm a young adult, I was planning to do all these things before I randomly had a painful headache one night that made me faint and that made me stay in the hospital for months. My classmates that have had a tbi are older than me, they got to experience being an adult without it before they had one, I didn't. They got to work, finish a degree, or were studying to graduate in their college or university, I didn't.
I'll be happy for these people and congratulate them, because it was time they spent on doing something. I won't tell them about these thoughts when they tell me this, I feel awful for having these thoughts and jealousy because it's not their fault I went through this.
I wanted to study history, I wanted to major in it. I don't know if I'm able to anymore, and just having that question in my head constantly isn't great. I love learning, I love to learn and I struggle with that now, there are some topics where it's really hard for me to grasp something. I'm trying, I really am, but there are days where that effort I put into trying doesn't feel like it's worth it, it feels like it takes too much energy of me. I'm glad that I have these habits I struggled keeping up with before, like writing things down but sometimes I might forget to do that.
Sometimes I have to search what I wrote down to read it again, maybe even multiple times a week. I'm glad that my memory has gotten better but that doesn't mean that I don't need these things that helped me, sure, I might not put them to use as often anymore but I wish I didn't have to rely on these things to remember. I wish I didn't need to be explained things a bit differently than others because of my brain.
I love making jokes, I can be unserious or appear care-free and there are times when I might be that but I'm not going to be that all the time, I'm human. Ever since my injury, I might make jokes that involve it. There was a point in time when I couldn't talk about it seriously for maybe more than five minutes before breaking down. This blog has helped that, and I can last longer than five minutes talking about it because of this blog. Having a tbi, let alone, something that could've killed you is serious but trying to make light of it than talking about it seriously for longer than five minutes is something I could only bring myself to do back then. I still have thoughts about that night, the "what if's?", it might be considered an intrusive thought because I don't want to think about it but my brain randomly thinks about it without warning.
I don't like thinking that, I might last a long time thinking about it in a day. I understand that not only would I have died in that day if I didn't survive, but others would be affected by it. I'm glad, grateful even, that I've met people after my tbi and that those people have been trying to understand this and learn. I don't know if I'll ever continue thinking about this randomly. I don't know if it'll ever lessen as time goes on, I hope it does.